Well, it’s official. I am trying to do too many things in my current life, as per usual–attempting to accomplish too much–and I am not succeeding. Oh, my kids are getting a rip-roarin’ good education, but not, regrettably, a nice mom. I’m taking regular showers, but not answering my phone. I have projects for “personal growth” on the list, but they aren’t growing me. To be honest, they’re starting to feel like mean little employers who stand over my shoulder while I do data entry at the front desk.
I love to write. I love it even more when I don’t have to do it. Writing, when we’re all taking a school break and the lion’s share of my kids’ play time is in the pool, is oh-so-wonderful. Writing, when it appears as one more bullet point on a stupidly long to-do list, is drudgery. And I was never one of those people who thought of it that way. Truly, I was the nerd who got secretly excited when the teacher made us turn in our papers at school. And now? This nerd is losing her mojo.
What was it the old people used to say? Enough is as good as a feast. I get that. I have a feast going on here. But Memaw never mentioned what happens when enough becomes too much. At this point, she doesn’t have to mention it because I already know. I’m getting weary of eating at this ‘feast.’ I’m feeling some indigestion.
My sister reminded me that this rather counter-culture life we’re living requires us to see our time as divided into blocks or seasons. Any personal goals we might accomplish during the on-season of heavy school responsibilities are going to be fewer than in our seasons of nature walks and late-night chapter books, AKA our “off-times.” We homeschooling moms are our own employers, our own housekeepers, planners, facilitators. Nobody else is going to help us organize and budget our time. So the key to staying sane is to be reasonable in our expectations of ourselves when we’re in school mode.
That brings me to my final thought. I’m in school mode. While I really want to, I see that I can’t write as much as I’d like to these days. I’d like to be able to post on this blog several times a week, but I’m not sure it’ll happen. Because, more than writing or reading or speaking Spanish or working out, I want to be an excellent educator for my children, and even more than that, a good mom. I’m doubtful that I can do any of that unless I keep my outside-of-school to-do list short.
So. Here’s to grabbing writing moments as they pop up, and keeping first things first.