I love the liturgies of daily life. I scramble to bring order to my days and I sometimes think I’m nothing without my routine. So when things come along to throw off my groove (and they do, routinely–see what I did there?), I feel lost.
I could lie and say this love of habit blossomed after I finally woke from a compressed and super-intense baby-producing phase in which I trust I was present but only have scrapbooks and stretch marks to prove it. But, no. I was making workable life plans for myself in second grade.
The thing is, I have seen daily disciplines work. I have, in fact, used them to lose weight, to read through the entire Bible in a year, to play certain difficult pieces on the cello, to learn to speak Hindi, to write a novel. I also know that the slapdash, open-ended ways of a creative often hinder her from getting actual stuff done. The Muse visits the writer whose bum is already in the chair, etc, etc, etc.
But the workable routine always wants to become my god. It promises to save me from sloth and chaos and irrelevance. Or that’s what I hear it say, anyway. And then the real God, the One who helps us even when we didn’t ask him to, castrates the fake god by letting mess happen, instead. Not because routines are bad–they’re helpful–but because they aren’t more important than life, or God himself.
All of that is to say that I haven’t written in a week and I feel crazy. I’m working on a project with a deadline I made up because it helps me accomplish more when I pretend disaster is looming. But, like I said, life happened this week and I ended up thinking instead of doing. My teenagers needed me and so did some friends. And after that I just wanted to watch Netflix and read books that have nothing to do with the one I’m writing. I wanted to go limp.
So now I’m trying to get back to my former routine (again!) without loving it too much. Oh, how I hate getting back into something instead of already being in the middle of it. I also hate confronting the fear that fills the vacuum my ruined routine leaves in my psyche. On the other hand, I want to grow trusting and flexible enough that I can ride these longterm contractions with quiet confidence that God knows what’s best for me, that I can trust him with all the things–including my writing habits and my time. That I can get back to work eventually.
I should be working on my novel. But I’m blogging instead. Baby steps.