I’m on my second cup of coffee and it’s well before 7 a.m. I’ve woken up at 5 without an alarm for the second morning in a row. This is unusual. My stomach flirts with the idea of rejecting the scalding black liquid I keep sending down into it because it wants to be asleep like my teenagers are, but I keep on sipping.
Being awake turns out to be what I need. Now I can think in straight lines. The breath of the box fan tethers my brain to the real, though, if I’m honest, the real isn’t strictly better than the dreams.
The world has lost its mind, like I’m sometimes sure I’m losing mine, and this forces me to ponder Things That Matter. Should I have had another baby, I wonder, now that the kids are stretching toward adulthood like the potted ivy on my side table? (There is nothing like housing a human in one’s core to realign everything). But there’s the self-destructing world–that giant live coal that blisters our souls as we walk on it. There’s us.
And that’s when I realize I’ve been tired for a long, long time.
I reach for my coffee mug, but this time my stomach is not playing around. I need more than caffeine can offer anyway.
“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light,” he says to me, to us.
I fill up my lungs, let the air out slow. I close my rusted eyes and choose to believe Him again.
It’s February, the shortest month that lasts forever. Of course, I kind of like it because my birthday is in February, along with my mom’s. Still, it’s a gray month if you don’t count all the pink and red from Valentine’s Day.
Though there are plenty of things that seem to suck the life out of us during the cold months, over at Modern Mrs. Darcy people are talking about how they’re surviving, and even enjoying, winter in a series entitled ‘Things That Are Saving My Life Right Now.’ I’m adding my two cents below.
- Celestial Seasonings Bengal Spice Tea and Half-Caf Coffee. This tea is heavy on cinnamon and is caffeine free. It’s sweet, too, without any added sugars. I’ve been drinking it throughout the day, and at night before bed. As for the half-caf, it’s my weak attempt at ever-so-slowly reducing the amount of caffeine I consume because I read that higher levels of caffeine are linked to anxiety in women (something I battle). In the end, I just can’t give up coffee right now because the warmth and ritual of drinking it is so powerful–especially in the winter when it seems I never get truly warm for more than a few minutes. I don’t want to go cold turkey and drink full-on decaf coffee, either, because I’m chicken about the headaches and flulike symptoms of withdrawal. Half-caf is my solution for now.
- Music on Pandora Radio. This is not new for me, but music becomes even more important in the winter when the sun is stingy. I have a couple of favorite stations I play on the laptop (I work from home) while tidying up the house in the morning. The good news is that the right music can set the tone–pun intended–for the entire day. The bad news is certain kinds of music can be depressing earworms that also set the tone, but not one I want. I try to choose carefully.
- Reading Aloud to My Teenagers. I kind of thought we were done with this aspect of our family life since my kids are voracious readers themselves and increasingly seem to have their own agendas for…everything. It turns out, though, that spending a few minutes a day re-reading a favorite series while my teens loll on my bed and stare at the ceiling has made winter more bearable so far. I didn’t plan it, i.e. we fell back into reading aloud from sheer weather induced boredom, but we’re all secretly becoming attached to this ritual again (some of us not so secretly).
- Very Hot Baths with Epsom Salt before Bed. Again, not something I actually planned because I’m not old yet. But it happens that old timers have lots of wisdom. When they say that Epsom salt is the solution for several of life’s little problems, including muscle ache, fatigue, and trouble falling asleep, they’re right. At least in my case. I’m taking hot baths for a few minutes before bed, soaking up the magnesium found in Epsom salt through my skin, and heading under the covers soon after. While I may not fall asleep immediately, at least I’m warm to my bones for a while and feeling relaxed.
Those are a few things that are saving my life this winter. Of course, prayer, off and on all day, everyday, is my actual lifeline. And then there’s poetry reading and writing, which feels increasingly like its own kind of prayer. But these are things I cling to even when the sun is out.
What are some things that are saving your life this winter?
I am back from ten days of stepping through the looking glass. Africa was magical and difficult as I knew it would be. I am thankful to have been a part of something truly special during the time I was there and hope to be able to return soon. Somehow–and really, I know it was grace from God–I managed to endure heat, humidity, different foods, travel, sleeplessness, and culture stress without so much as blinking. This was not the case when I lived in Asia where, for the first six months, every rumble in my belly was a portend of doom, and constant power outages felt like God’s divine discipline. Of course, this was a short-term thing and I did not have my children with me. Now I love my kids, but I could not BELIEVE the ease of traveling with only myself to worry about. It was ridiculous how streamlined everything felt and I think I wore a bewildered grin on my face the entire trip. I was probably a little obnoxious.
I am in my bed at the moment, eating Grape Nuts which are my passion. The dogs are at my feet, both of them curled like medium-sized caterpillars. I think they’re glad the lenient owner is back. Daddy has his rules, you know. Apparently, I slept hard last night. I don’t really know as I have no memory after eating welcome-home-cake for dinner. But they tell me I slept. My daughter came in this morning and informed me that she’d carried on a conversation with her father about emotions in the middle of the night. She said she looked at me lying there on my side of the bed and could tell I wouldn’t wake up, whatever that means.
It’s good to be back. I will never stop loving the world and its corners. Each time I travel I leave my heart on some shore. But I know that this is my home for now. I am thankful to be reunited with my family, my church, my dogs, and Grape Nuts. Now I think I’ll drink some East African coffee and take a little nap. Talk soon.